Found, we are, after so long
Writing, speaking, words so strong
Waiting, watching, yearning, I believe
Our fears, our doubts, can so deceive

I always knew she was real, she must be
In front of my face, she even trusts me
Across the span of space and time
What's mine is yours and yours is mine

We have waited for so long to meet
To have a love that is a two-way street
She feels the same as I do on all levels
And we both agreed we'd never settle

So here we are, face to face, so alive
Being our true selves, no detail shall we deprive
Without fear, a love unconditional and pure
An amazing connection sure to endure

Never taking her for granted, always grateful
Enjoying every single moment, so thankful
A touch so smooth it makes the world stop
A breath, a kiss, a gaze, yet not a single tear drop

I brought her to me, and me unto her, this is now
I would never poison this by asking how
The why doesn't matter, only that it is real
On the same page, no one can tell us how to feel

So I thank for coming, and for you being you
I accept all of it, no matter what the other guys do
I am here by your side, to help you, to grow together
We've wanted this for so long, but living it is even better

I spoke to a dear friend of mine today. I spoke with him about my last relationship and how it ended. He told me many things which I did not want to hear, but that I needed to hear. I'm going to lay out some of these things and how he was correct....and I'm going to own up to my shit. I've always said "I'm not perfect, I know my shit...we all have issues." But...this time, I was in denial and needed a wake-up call.

1. He reminded me to be humble. Humble? What's that??? OH helllllll no! Okay, so he's totally right. I tend to be somewhat dominant in relationships. He reminded me that my ideas of what right and wrong are may be different from my partner's ideas. Well...does that mean I should be unwaivering? Nope! It means I should take that into account. Grrr, I didn't want to hear that, but it was so true.

2. He reminded me that I have expectations of other people in relationships, but when they have expectations of me, I think they are unreasonable. What about the other person? What about their needs? I have forgotten about that in the past and have justified that by sticking to my principles or putting other things before my partner. I admitted to him, that working out was more important to me than my last relationship. He asked me if I would want a lifelong partner to say that a gym workout was more important than me. I said hell no. I felt ashamed and disappointed in myself. I am also afraid to face these issues and that I am not making adequate progress. It is time to resolve this.

3. He pointed out that women have a larger emotional body (energetically) than men, because they carry children. I should know this, but I somehow forgot. My ex is mad at me for something that is not true...because she twisted it around. He explained that women will be pissed to feel better about something ending, but at the same time she is looking for a reason NOT to be pissed. He said I have to be humble and understand that women will not always be logical. This may seem obvious to some, but being a male...and being focused on logic and living mentally rather than emotionally, this is a difficult concept for most men to grasp.

4. I constantly seek out short-term relationships. He pointed out that I have a habit of seeking out relationships that will not last. He said that this has to do with me being in control and me having too high of an expectation from people. Valid point...and a poor pattern that I would like to change. I need to make up my mind about what I am seeking and be clear on that.

5. I have a fear of losing control. I was aware of this, but it is becoming more and more apparent. I intentionally isolate myself sometimes so that I feel like I am more in control. I have come to this realization. This is one reason why I don't drink alcohol....fear of giving up control. I think some of this has to do with my law enforcement job. I have to be that way at work...and it has further potentiated that aspect of my personality which was mild until this job came along. I must work on letting my partner have control in a relationship. It has to be a two way street. Even though I have thought it was, looking back...it certainly was not.

6. Most importantly, I do know that even if it is too late for these learning issues to help me rekindle my last relationship that would have lasted if I had owned up to this stuff a few months ago....it is GREAT that I am doing it now. It will set the stage for future relationships either way. Although, I would like another opportunity with my last relationship as it was the deepest love I have ever felt...for either of us actually. At first, I took the ending as a learning experience that I COULD find someone so amazing but without drama or issues. Looking back, I feel I am responsible for most of those and would like another chance to redo it and do MY part to make it work rather than just her.

Wow, okay...so I'm totally cracking up reading my old posts (haven't made one in 3 years!). Haaaa, oh my god, the dreams are freakin hilarious! :-) Wow, I was really graphic and had a lot of typos. I think I was always in a rush when I typed here so I never checked for errors. Oh well. As far as the graphic nature of the dreams, I'm going to keep them graphic because they are true accounts of my experiences. I don't think I'm going to filter these entries as I wouldn't want other people to change theirs to protect me from my preferences. I want to read real stuff...so I'll do the same here.

I know she's out there, waiting...just like I am. I know she's out there, dreaming...just like I am. I know she's out there having relationships and boyfriends...learning all that she can so that she will be mentally and emotionally ready for me when we do meet. I'm doing the same. We're in training; it's natural, right? We're in trainer relationships so that we can be prepared for the one that's going to last. That's my view and I like thinking that way because it keeps me in a positive state of mind in regard to love.

So...again...she's out there. She's unconditionally loving, supportive, accepts me for who I am, and is willing to grow with me and put "Us" before "I" or "me." That's what a real relationship takes. It's not about you and I, it's about "we." The moment we forget that (or fail to learn it), that's when we are doomed to repeated relationships that are unhappy or constantly short-term. It takes A LOT more than love to keep a relationship alive and strong.

School is my focus now. Yes, I'm dating. Yes, I'm open to a relationship. But, I'm engaged in the most important endeavor of my entire life to date: Nursing School. This is my ticket to a lot of things in life. I have a house, a good government job, a reliable car, a supportive family, and a passion for life that keeps me happy. What is missing is someone to share these things with me. People say they can do it alone and they try to act independent. The truth is that YES, we CAN do it alone if we wish. But damn, isn't life so much more fulfilling when you're with someone in a mutually loving relationship?

I plan to go out of the country for about a month when I graduate. I would love for someone to be able to share that experience with me. I'm going to England, Spain, Northern Ireland, Italy, France, and Germany. I haven't been overseas yet...only to Mexico and 35 states...so that's going to be my reward for getting my RN. I know she's out there...and I know she'd love to join me. ;-)

I have returned to you, after a long hiatus. I have had a lot happen in the past couple years. To sum it up would take quite some time so I'll keep it simple. I have loved and I have lost (who hasn't?), I have been in school pursuing 3 degrees, I have had a few new cars, and I have begun a path to change careers and take on a totally different chapter of my life.

I was engaged, til she slept with my best friend 3 week after the engagement. It's okay; life happens. I said to him: "Everyone comes into our lives for a reason. I'm glad I could be the avenue to bring her into your life to fulfill whatever purpose you have together. Our purpose has come to an end. I wish you the best." As hard as it was to say that, it was the appropriate enlightened response. Sometimes it is better to "respond" than to "react." To react would have been to flip out. Yet, I know that this was all part of the process; that she and I were finished and I trusted the universe to take care of me. So, I let it all go. That was almost 2 years ago.

I bought my dream car, drove it 12,000 mile in 6 months and then paid $6,000 to sell it because the economy sucks. Oh well, better than paying $935/mo to keep it, right? ;-) That as a lesson as well, but it's ok. There is more money to be made and more cars to buy. I turned around and bought a car for $300 total, hahaha. I drove it for a couple months before the transmission blew and I realized I'd have to find a happy medium between insane car payments and no car payment. ;-) So yeah, I miss the M3, but school is my focus now.

So now, I find myself 2 courses away from a degree in Criminal Justice. I graduate in May. I was accepted to Nursing school and I am sooooo excited about that! I am finishing my first semester and have 4 courses to graduate since I did all supporting courses before entry. I graduate the following May (2011). After this May, I will complete my Psychology degree (3 courses left) while finishing my RN since I need the courses to get Full-Time for financial aid and scholarship purposes.

So, here I am....still working in Law Enforcement...in a career that is unfulfilling, but stable, well-paying, and with great benefits and 15 days off per month. On the other hand, I am 18mo away from being an RN! YES! It will be so amazing to change careers and move into one where I can help people, challenge myself intellectually, earn more money, and have the ability to work in many different areas within that same field! *smiling*

So, I'll leave you guys with that for now. I don't think I have any readers yet, but hopefully I'll make some friends again on here and some will come my way. I'm about to make another post about life/love/etc.

Ciao for now,
Conrad

Thoughts swimming through my head
Violently thrashing without remorse
Nostalgic pondering of a past that is now dead
Will it go smoothly or by force?

As I type, the surge is coming
The pain is errupting from deep within
The tapping keyboard, the computer humming
I don't even know where to begin

I pause...I stare into the eyes of a phantom
A beautiful face that used to share smiles
The emotions all hurt even though they're random
I miss the voice that could close the miles

I don't really wanna miss this
I've always hated lost opportunities
There has to be a way to close the distance
Or perhaps unite the separated unities

Can this phantom be real, does it exist?
I stare at the ground...leaking tears of crimson red
When I awake, will it be a dream I've kissed?
Or does this pool of sorrow mean I'm dead?

Current Location: the one mind
Current Mood: sad
Current Music: none this time

I sleep the solemn sleep to escape the pain
It rains down upon me, unleashing its fury in waves
I sit here questioning all that is and once was
I ask myself what it means and why it does

There is no rest for the weary mind of observation
There is no understanding when clarity is an invasion
The pain of turning to speak and no one is there
The disdain of feeling weak without a care

A sweet embrace held so long
A gaze into eyes for one last song
The dawn breaks and the night is over
Drunken with thoughts, I'm never sober

Memories of what once was, faded, this is home
Feelings shattered and broken, so alone
Will I ever find what I seek or shall it find me?
Can we be together or is alone all I'll ever be?

I know I shouldn't lose hope for we create reality
And if I focused clearly, I could resolve this mallady
Yet I stall and I sputter and I wallow in sadness
Repetition of these patterns is surely madness

Current Music: 10 Years: "Cast Out"

Dream 1: Was at work but all the offices were set up like the attorney visitation rooms...very interesting but very cramped. Hmmm...left my phone and my bluetooth speaker there...hmmm. I was upset because I didn't know where my stuff was....and I was at home wondering if it were ok. I got back to work and was looking for some supplements and medication that I had...but that wasn't anywhere to be found. I looked in the desk drawers and finally found everything. I had my Sergeant call my cell phone and it vibrated...but when I tracked the vibration, it was the hum of the computer tower on the floor. Then I found the phone in a drawer and it was fine....I had everything now.

Dream 2: Was hanging out with a chic and she forgot her key to open the lock on the gate to her home complex...it was a wooden gate with a picket-fence style. I was supposed to have a screwdriver with me to help open the door...but somehow I didn't have it because I didn't wear my regular jacket. Hmmm. This was the first time I ever hung out with this woman though. She was very beautiful and I was attracted to her. I noticed that the fence sloped down..so I just walked down the fence and stepped over the shorter portion of it. There was a key on a beaded chain locked around the lock horseshoe....so I was able to use the key to unlock the lock from the "inside". My female acquaintance did not follow...she waited for me to unlock it and passed through the gate. We both stared at the key there and I said "you wanna leave it there or take it to them?". She said "I'm gonna take it to them and tell them they should NOT leave that on the gate because it is not secure like that." So we went back to her place...and I was at her door. ***I then had a memory of us sitting side by side in a huge auditorium where we were learning some very important things...She put her hand on my leg and we looked at each other and smiled. I was surprised that she did that because I liked her but didn't think or know she liked me. It was pleasant. I put my hand on her leg...and then we held hands.*** Okay...so back to the story...I was at her place...at her door and I was looking at her shirt...and started tracing the design on it with my hands as I stared into her eyes. She stared back into mine. We were so relaxed and there was no pressure. I moved in closer...and was going to say some cheap line or try to be smooth...but nah..I just kissed her. She kissed back...and it was awesome. It was light at first...like we weren't sure...then it progressed. Then I started putting my arms around her and we embraced...making out heavily on her porch. I then began to get more "frisky" and ran my hands all over her. She did the same. She said "you're turning me down a notch though". I was confused...but then she pushed me down and straddled me (clothes on) and said "I don't care though...like this" or something like that. She then began to kiss me. THEN...she said "you're coming to the movie with us tonight aren't you? It's ;lkjd;lkjd;lj 2" I said...I saw the first one and really liked it." She was surprised and said "oh really? That's awesome....I didn't know you liked movies like that...you should come with me and my friends". I said "okay..sounds good" and then I decided that since it started soon..I would just hang out with her until it was time to go. That's the last I remember of this dream.


Dream 3: was hanging out with family and I was completely naked...had a huge deck..huge back porch..possibly a pool below..couldn't find my bathing suit so I just went naked. Almost all of my family was there...and no one cared that I was naked. Iw as very comfortable...and then I realized I was naked..and wondered if they cared. The final conclusion was that I should be comfortable with myself naked....but when I found some boxers on the floor, I put them on. On another note...Arnold Schwarzenegger was flexing by my pool and my family was amazed.

pt 2 of dream 3: Were some food rappers and I ate an airhead...well...3/4 of a blue one...it was good...the wrapper then flew up onto the dresser with another one

Dream 4: Someone was expecting a baby....they were waiting for it to be born....the baby was then born..and I wrapped it up in a straw wrapper...like from a drink..then it instantly was bigger. It smiled and was happy. The doctors and nurses didn't come when Ic alled for them so I had to deliver the baby in the emergency room all by myself. (Right before the baby was born, I remote viewed the womb spontaneously and saw the baby kicking and moving into position. I was able to see this and time the breathing and motions with her natural body contractions to help deliver the baby. I'm not sure who the woman was but she was a friend or possibly someone I knew very well...felt almost like family but she was not. I then gave her the baby and it turned into an observer only mode...wher i was watching this woman lying in bed speaking to her older daughter. The older daughter had some teeth missing from the upper front of her mouth...and only one tooth in the middle upper section. The mother's tooth was missing from here and had apparently come out during the birthing proces...but I knew nothing about it. The daughter had hid the tooth in a drawer of a jewelry box....when the mother foudn out she was very pissed. The daughter tried to plead with the mother about how the tooth really fit her mouth better and that her mother should let her keep it.

Dream 5: was flying down the street...gravity was not the same....perhaps I had powers...not sure..this one was very short.

1. I had a K9 dog that could track using machine guns and a red spotlight, infrared...anything that moved..it would track it....and still stay with me...very very smart. We ran through yards and woods and every animal it saw...the lights would shine on them...and their eyes would reflect the light...and they would try to attack us. Fortunately they were shot before they could get to us. I don't condone killing of animals, but they were trying to hurt us. The dog was precise and took down everything that even attempted to come near us. We traveled quite a distance...and arrived at a house. There was a man in the doorway...and someone I knew had another ray and aimed it at him...yet he aimed one back. The dog opened its mouth and this time, a golden beam came out and hit the man in the head. He was supposed to evaporate, yet he did not. Instead...my friend with the other ray vanished. The dog then shot a green laser at the man's head and the man said "Don't you think it would be wise for me to take advantage of this technology and use it for my benefit?". The laser did not hurt him...instead the "friend" reappeared in same clothing but somehow semi-transparent. I was confused. The man whom we had originally attacked...said he brought him back from another dimension. Suddenly...I realized the man who was just evoked...was my father? He looked nothing like him, but in the dream he was. He said something about needing cigarettes...and I told him he didn't smoke. He didn't even know who I was. Very odd.

5. Another dream involved shooting someone with some sort of ray. The ray came out of the dogs mouth...and while it was originally red, it was now a bright yellow.

2. A random dream about a man with a dead remote....but I had some extra AAA's.

3. A dream where there was a hot blonde woman...maybe with some darker tones in her hair. She was an AVEDA model...and I knew this. She was famous but didn't care that I wasn't. We hung out for a bit...and were supposed to hang out later. I was on the computer talking to some women...and she was suddenly with me or somehow seeing me on the computer like she was there. She said "oh oh? you're talking to all these women huh?". I said "see...the screen..these are the ones I used to talk to" ....when I knew that only the ones that were not light up (no backlighting on those)...were the old ones and the lit up ones were current. I didn't divulge this information to her as she was really upset. Anyway...I seemed to have calmed her down and we were still scheduled to hang out later on.

4. There was a woman with red hair...very very hot. I was at her house and we were talking. Apparently I had given her a ride in my car (I cleaned it out..wow). She told me to go to her house, so I did. She really liked me...and I could feel it. It was no secret that I was deeply attracted to her although we had just met. Well...we were at her house and she invited me to her bedroom. She seemed so familiar and everything was so comfortable. We began to make out...and she was an excellent kisser. I noticed her bedroom door was open and another door was open down the hall. She said "don't worry about that...my mom is just watching TV". I said "WH WH WHAT? We gotta close the door!". She wasn't concerned and said "nah..it's ok...she won't come in here". I was like "WHOA...ok". So...at that moment, I was so turned on, I didn't care. LOL in real life I would have gotten up and closed the door of course. So the woman told me "I used to be your girlfriend but you broke up with me before". I thought she might be right...and I somehow felt as though I couldn't access all of my memories in this dream. I asked her why I broke up with her and said I probably had a good reason. She said: "Nah, it was nothing...no big deal...you like me know right?". I said "yeah...you seem awesome...very beautiful...really nice...but seriously...why did I break up with you?" She stalled for a bit and finally she said "Okay Okay I'll tell you." She finally admitted b/c she had some disease. She then talked about homeless people and falling on a fence where barbed wire hit her in the mouth...causing an infection...and the disease from the homeless people to get into her blood...and infect her face. So...occasionally her face would swell up with that stuff...which it really didn't look too bad...it was just red like someone had drank some Kool-Aid or something like that. (I have nothing against homeless people...but we got an email at work about skin diseases in homeless shelters 2 days ago) Moving on...we tried to have sex but the condom broke when I put it on. I took another one out and it felt broken. I looked at the dates and it was 04 of 2006....expired.

*****I woke up and remembered this...and I thought...how odd. Maybe I should throw away all my condoms? Hmmm..I'll check the dates first. I did...and 2 of them were 04-2006!!! I was like THANK YOU! So I threw them away. I'm really glad I had this dream and I'm also glad I paid close enough attention to get the message in it.
************

So I look in 2 cabinets over my fridge..haven't looked there in awhile...and there are some cinnabon boxes with old cinnabons in there FULL OF FRUIT FLIES....uhhh nasty. Anyway...I climbed up on the counter to get rid of them...and I noticed 2 books on top of my cabinets...you know how there is typically a 2" drop in the top of them?

Well...there were 2 books there that I have never seen before. Guess what the titles were.... "1ST TO DIE" and "INVASION OF PRIVACY". VERY weird!

I'm not sure what it means yet...I don't know if I'll read the books or get rid of them immediately.