bmmmw

Found, we are, after so long.

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 21:49:02 GMT

Found, we are, after so long
Writing, speaking, words so strong
Waiting, watching, yearning, I believe
Our fears, our doubts, can so deceive

I always knew she was real, she must be
In front of my face, she even trusts me
Across the span of space and time
What's mine is yours and yours is mine

We have waited for so long to meet
To have a love that is a two-way street
She feels the same as I do on all levels
And we both agreed we'd never settle

So here we are, face to face, so alive
Being our true selves, no detail shall we deprive
Without fear, a love unconditional and pure
An amazing connection sure to endure

Never taking her for granted, always grateful
Enjoying every single moment, so thankful
A touch so smooth it makes the world stop
A breath, a kiss, a gaze, yet not a single tear drop

I brought her to me, and me unto her, this is now
I would never poison this by asking how
The why doesn't matter, only that it is real
On the same page, no one can tell us how to feel

So I thank for coming, and for you being you
I accept all of it, no matter what the other guys do
I am here by your side, to help you, to grow together
We've wanted this for so long, but living it is even better

Breakthroughs in relationship patterns

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 17:43:01 GMT

I spoke to a dear friend of mine today. I spoke with him about my last relationship and how it ended. He told me many things which I did not want to hear, but that I needed to hear. I'm going to lay out some of these things and how he was correct....and I'm going to own up to my shit. I've always said "I'm not perfect, I know my shit...we all have issues." But...this time, I was in denial and needed a wake-up call.

1. He reminded me to be humble. Humble? What's that??? OH helllllll no! Okay, so he's totally right. I tend to be somewhat dominant in relationships. He reminded me that my ideas of what right and wrong are may be different from my partner's ideas. Well...does that mean I should be unwaivering? Nope! It means I should take that into account. Grrr, I didn't want to hear that, but it was so true.

2. He reminded me that I have expectations of other people in relationships, but when they have expectations of me, I think they are unreasonable. What about the other person? What about their needs? I have forgotten about that in the past and have justified that by sticking to my principles or putting other things before my partner. I admitted to him, that working out was more important to me than my last relationship. He asked me if I would want a lifelong partner to say that a gym workout was more important than me. I said hell no. I felt ashamed and disappointed in myself. I am also afraid to face these issues and that I am not making adequate progress. It is time to resolve this.

3. He pointed out that women have a larger emotional body (energetically) than men, because they carry children. I should know this, but I somehow forgot. My ex is mad at me for something that is not true...because she twisted it around. He explained that women will be pissed to feel better about something ending, but at the same time she is looking for a reason NOT to be pissed. He said I have to be humble and understand that women will not always be logical. This may seem obvious to some, but being a male...and being focused on logic and living mentally rather than emotionally, this is a difficult concept for most men to grasp.

4. I constantly seek out short-term relationships. He pointed out that I have a habit of seeking out relationships that will not last. He said that this has to do with me being in control and me having too high of an expectation from people. Valid point...and a poor pattern that I would like to change. I need to make up my mind about what I am seeking and be clear on that.

5. I have a fear of losing control. I was aware of this, but it is becoming more and more apparent. I intentionally isolate myself sometimes so that I feel like I am more in control. I have come to this realization. This is one reason why I don't drink alcohol....fear of giving up control. I think some of this has to do with my law enforcement job. I have to be that way at work...and it has further potentiated that aspect of my personality which was mild until this job came along. I must work on letting my partner have control in a relationship. It has to be a two way street. Even though I have thought it was, looking back...it certainly was not.

6. Most importantly, I do know that even if it is too late for these learning issues to help me rekindle my last relationship that would have lasted if I had owned up to this stuff a few months ago....it is GREAT that I am doing it now. It will set the stage for future relationships either way. Although, I would like another opportunity with my last relationship as it was the deepest love I have ever felt...for either of us actually. At first, I took the ending as a learning experience that I COULD find someone so amazing but without drama or issues. Looking back, I feel I am responsible for most of those and would like another chance to redo it and do MY part to make it work rather than just her.

About past journals

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 17:33:10 GMT

Wow, okay...so I'm totally cracking up reading my old posts (haven't made one in 3 years!). Haaaa, oh my god, the dreams are freakin hilarious! :-) Wow, I was really graphic and had a lot of typos. I think I was always in a rush when I typed here so I never checked for errors. Oh well. As far as the graphic nature of the dreams, I'm going to keep them graphic because they are true accounts of my experiences. I don't think I'm going to filter these entries as I wouldn't want other people to change theirs to protect me from my preferences. I want to read real stuff...so I'll do the same here.

On love and relationships

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 17:14:57 GMT

I know she's out there, waiting...just like I am. I know she's out there, dreaming...just like I am. I know she's out there having relationships and boyfriends...learning all that she can so that she will be mentally and emotionally ready for me when we do meet. I'm doing the same. We're in training; it's natural, right? We're in trainer relationships so that we can be prepared for the one that's going to last. That's my view and I like thinking that way because it keeps me in a positive state of mind in regard to love.

So...again...she's out there. She's unconditionally loving, supportive, accepts me for who I am, and is willing to grow with me and put "Us" before "I" or "me." That's what a real relationship takes. It's not about you and I, it's about "we." The moment we forget that (or fail to learn it), that's when we are doomed to repeated relationships that are unhappy or constantly short-term. It takes A LOT more than love to keep a relationship alive and strong.

School is my focus now. Yes, I'm dating. Yes, I'm open to a relationship. But, I'm engaged in the most important endeavor of my entire life to date: Nursing School. This is my ticket to a lot of things in life. I have a house, a good government job, a reliable car, a supportive family, and a passion for life that keeps me happy. What is missing is someone to share these things with me. People say they can do it alone and they try to act independent. The truth is that YES, we CAN do it alone if we wish. But damn, isn't life so much more fulfilling when you're with someone in a mutually loving relationship?

I plan to go out of the country for about a month when I graduate. I would love for someone to be able to share that experience with me. I'm going to England, Spain, Northern Ireland, Italy, France, and Germany. I haven't been overseas yet...only to Mexico and 35 states...so that's going to be my reward for getting my RN. I know she's out there...and I know she'd love to join me. ;-)

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 17:05:58 GMT

I have returned to you, after a long hiatus. I have had a lot happen in the past couple years. To sum it up would take quite some time so I'll keep it simple. I have loved and I have lost (who hasn't?), I have been in school pursuing 3 degrees, I have had a few new cars, and I have begun a path to change careers and take on a totally different chapter of my life.

I was engaged, til she slept with my best friend 3 week after the engagement. It's okay; life happens. I said to him: "Everyone comes into our lives for a reason. I'm glad I could be the avenue to bring her into your life to fulfill whatever purpose you have together. Our purpose has come to an end. I wish you the best." As hard as it was to say that, it was the appropriate enlightened response. Sometimes it is better to "respond" than to "react." To react would have been to flip out. Yet, I know that this was all part of the process; that she and I were finished and I trusted the universe to take care of me. So, I let it all go. That was almost 2 years ago.

I bought my dream car, drove it 12,000 mile in 6 months and then paid $6,000 to sell it because the economy sucks. Oh well, better than paying $935/mo to keep it, right? ;-) That as a lesson as well, but it's ok. There is more money to be made and more cars to buy. I turned around and bought a car for $300 total, hahaha. I drove it for a couple months before the transmission blew and I realized I'd have to find a happy medium between insane car payments and no car payment. ;-) So yeah, I miss the M3, but school is my focus now.

So now, I find myself 2 courses away from a degree in Criminal Justice. I graduate in May. I was accepted to Nursing school and I am sooooo excited about that! I am finishing my first semester and have 4 courses to graduate since I did all supporting courses before entry. I graduate the following May (2011). After this May, I will complete my Psychology degree (3 courses left) while finishing my RN since I need the courses to get Full-Time for financial aid and scholarship purposes.

So, here I am....still working in Law Enforcement...in a career that is unfulfilling, but stable, well-paying, and with great benefits and 15 days off per month. On the other hand, I am 18mo away from being an RN! YES! It will be so amazing to change careers and move into one where I can help people, challenge myself intellectually, earn more money, and have the ability to work in many different areas within that same field! *smiling*

So, I'll leave you guys with that for now. I don't think I have any readers yet, but hopefully I'll make some friends again on here and some will come my way. I'm about to make another post about life/love/etc.

Ciao for now,
Conrad

"Tears of crimson red"

Wed, 31 Jan 2007 04:30:11 GMT

Thoughts swimming through my head
Violently thrashing without remorse
Nostalgic pondering of a past that is now dead
Will it go smoothly or by force?

As I type, the surge is coming
The pain is errupting from deep within
The tapping keyboard, the computer humming
I don't even know where to begin

I pause...I stare into the eyes of a phantom
A beautiful face that used to share smiles
The emotions all hurt even though they're random
I miss the voice that could close the miles

I don't really wanna miss this
I've always hated lost opportunities
There has to be a way to close the distance
Or perhaps unite the separated unities

Can this phantom be real, does it exist?
I stare at the ground...leaking tears of crimson red
When I awake, will it be a dream I've kissed?
Or does this pool of sorrow mean I'm dead?

The hell rains down from the barren sky

Sat, 27 Jan 2007 05:33:27 GMT

I sleep the solemn sleep to escape the pain
It rains down upon me, unleashing its fury in waves
I sit here questioning all that is and once was
I ask myself what it means and why it does

There is no rest for the weary mind of observation
There is no understanding when clarity is an invasion
The pain of turning to speak and no one is there
The disdain of feeling weak without a care

A sweet embrace held so long
A gaze into eyes for one last song
The dawn breaks and the night is over
Drunken with thoughts, I'm never sober

Memories of what once was, faded, this is home
Feelings shattered and broken, so alone
Will I ever find what I seek or shall it find me?
Can we be together or is alone all I'll ever be?

I know I shouldn't lose hope for we create reality
And if I focused clearly, I could resolve this mallady
Yet I stall and I sputter and I wallow in sadness
Repetition of these patterns is surely madness

Dreams (yeah...MORE of them)

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 21:40:11 GMT

Dream 1: Was at work but all the offices were set up like the attorney visitation rooms...very interesting but very cramped. Hmmm...left my phone and my bluetooth speaker there...hmmm. I was upset because I didn't know where my stuff was....and I was at home wondering if it were ok. I got back to work and was looking for some supplements and medication that I had...but that wasn't anywhere to be found. I looked in the desk drawers and finally found everything. I had my Sergeant call my cell phone and it vibrated...but when I tracked the vibration, it was the hum of the computer tower on the floor. Then I found the phone in a drawer and it was fine....I had everything now.

Dream 2: Was hanging out with a chic and she forgot her key to open the lock on the gate to her home complex...it was a wooden gate with a picket-fence style. I was supposed to have a screwdriver with me to help open the door...but somehow I didn't have it because I didn't wear my regular jacket. Hmmm. This was the first time I ever hung out with this woman though. She was very beautiful and I was attracted to her. I noticed that the fence sloped down..so I just walked down the fence and stepped over the shorter portion of it. There was a key on a beaded chain locked around the lock horseshoe....so I was able to use the key to unlock the lock from the "inside". My female acquaintance did not follow...she waited for me to unlock it and passed through the gate. We both stared at the key there and I said "you wanna leave it there or take it to them?". She said "I'm gonna take it to them and tell them they should NOT leave that on the gate because it is not secure like that." So we went back to her place...and I was at her door. ***I then had a memory of us sitting side by side in a huge auditorium where we were learning some very important things...She put her hand on my leg and we looked at each other and smiled. I was surprised that she did that because I liked her but didn't think or know she liked me. It was pleasant. I put my hand on her leg...and then we held hands.*** Okay...so back to the story...I was at her place...at her door and I was looking at her shirt...and started tracing the design on it with my hands as I stared into her eyes. She stared back into mine. We were so relaxed and there was no pressure. I moved in closer...and was going to say some cheap line or try to be smooth...but nah..I just kissed her. She kissed back...and it was awesome. It was light at first...like we weren't sure...then it progressed. Then I started putting my arms around her and we embraced...making out heavily on her porch. I then began to get more "frisky" and ran my hands all over her. She did the same. She said "you're turning me down a notch though". I was confused...but then she pushed me down and straddled me (clothes on) and said "I don't care though...like this" or something like that. She then began to kiss me. THEN...she said "you're coming to the movie with us tonight aren't you? It's ;lkjd;lkjd;lj 2" I said...I saw the first one and really liked it." She was surprised and said "oh really? That's awesome....I didn't know you liked movies like that...you should come with me and my friends". I said "okay..sounds good" and then I decided that since it started soon..I would just hang out with her until it was time to go. That's the last I remember of this dream.

Dream 3: was hanging out with family and I was completely naked...had a huge deck..huge back porch..possibly a pool below..couldn't find my bathing suit so I just went naked. Almost all of my family was there...and no one cared that I was naked. Iw as very comfortable...and then I realized I was naked..and wondered if they cared. The final conclusion was that I should be comfortable with myself naked....but when I found some boxers on the floor, I put them on. On another note...Arnold Schwarzenegger was flexing by my pool and my family was amazed.

pt 2 of dream 3: Were some food rappers and I ate an airhead...well...3/4 of a blue one...it was good...the wrapper then flew up onto the dresser with another one

Dream 4: Someone was expecting a baby....they were waiting for it to be born....the baby was then born..and I wrapped it up in a straw wrapper...like from a drink..then it instantly was bigger. It smiled and was happy. The doctors and nurses didn't come when Ic alled for them so I had to deliver the baby in the emergency room all by myself. (Right before the baby was born, I remote viewed the womb spontaneously and saw the baby kicking and moving into position. I was able to see this and time the breathing and motions with her natural body contractions to help deliver the baby. I'm not sure who the woman was but she was a friend or possibly someone I knew very well...felt almost like family but she was not. I then gave her the baby and it turned into an observer only mode...wher i was watching this woman lying in bed speaking to her older daughter. The older daughter had some teeth missing from the upper front of her mouth...and only one tooth in the middle upper section. The mother's tooth was missing from here and had apparently come out during the birthing proces...but I knew nothing about it. The daughter had hid the tooth in a drawer of a jewelry box....when the mother foudn out she was very pissed. The daughter tried to plead with the mother about how the tooth really fit her mouth better and that her mother should let her keep it.

Dream 5: was flying down the street...gravity was not the same....perhaps I had powers...not sure..this one was very short.

Psychic(TRUE) dream + others

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 21:56:55 GMT

1. I had a K9 dog that could track using machine guns and a red spotlight, infrared...anything that moved..it would track it....and still stay with me...very very smart. We ran through yards and woods and every animal it saw...the lights would shine on them...and their eyes would reflect the light...and they would try to attack us. Fortunately they were shot before they could get to us. I don't condone killing of animals, but they were trying to hurt us. The dog was precise and took down everything that even attempted to come near us. We traveled quite a distance...and arrived at a house. There was a man in the doorway...and someone I knew had another ray and aimed it at him...yet he aimed one back. The dog opened its mouth and this time, a golden beam came out and hit the man in the head. He was supposed to evaporate, yet he did not. Instead...my friend with the other ray vanished. The dog then shot a green laser at the man's head and the man said "Don't you think it would be wise for me to take advantage of this technology and use it for my benefit?". The laser did not hurt him...instead the "friend" reappeared in same clothing but somehow semi-transparent. I was confused. The man whom we had originally attacked...said he brought him back from another dimension. Suddenly...I realized the man who was just evoked...was my father? He looked nothing like him, but in the dream he was. He said something about needing cigarettes...and I told him he didn't smoke. He didn't even know who I was. Very odd.

5. Another dream involved shooting someone with some sort of ray. The ray came out of the dogs mouth...and while it was originally red, it was now a bright yellow.

2. A random dream about a man with a dead remote....but I had some extra AAA's.

3. A dream where there was a hot blonde woman...maybe with some darker tones in her hair. She was an AVEDA model...and I knew this. She was famous but didn't care that I wasn't. We hung out for a bit...and were supposed to hang out later. I was on the computer talking to some women...and she was suddenly with me or somehow seeing me on the computer like she was there. She said "oh oh? you're talking to all these women huh?". I said "see...the screen..these are the ones I used to talk to" ....when I knew that only the ones that were not light up (no backlighting on those)...were the old ones and the lit up ones were current. I didn't divulge this information to her as she was really upset. Anyway...I seemed to have calmed her down and we were still scheduled to hang out later on.

4. There was a woman with red hair...very very hot. I was at her house and we were talking. Apparently I had given her a ride in my car (I cleaned it out..wow). She told me to go to her house, so I did. She really liked me...and I could feel it. It was no secret that I was deeply attracted to her although we had just met. Well...we were at her house and she invited me to her bedroom. She seemed so familiar and everything was so comfortable. We began to make out...and she was an excellent kisser. I noticed her bedroom door was open and another door was open down the hall. She said "don't worry about that...my mom is just watching TV". I said "WH WH WHAT? We gotta close the door!". She wasn't concerned and said "nah..it's ok...she won't come in here". I was like "WHOA...ok". So...at that moment, I was so turned on, I didn't care. LOL in real life I would have gotten up and closed the door of course. So the woman told me "I used to be your girlfriend but you broke up with me before". I thought she might be right...and I somehow felt as though I couldn't access all of my memories in this dream. I asked her why I broke up with her and said I probably had a good reason. She said: "Nah, it was nothing...no big deal...you like me know right?". I said "yeah...you seem awesome...very beautiful...really nice...but seriously...why did I break up with you?" She stalled for a bit and finally she said "Okay Okay I'll tell you." She finally admitted b/c she had some disease. She then talked about homeless people and falling on a fence where barbed wire hit her in the mouth...causing an infection...and the disease from the homeless people to get into her blood...and infect her face. So...occasionally her face would swell up with that stuff...which it really didn't look too bad...it was just red like someone had drank some Kool-Aid or something like that. (I have nothing against homeless people...but we got an email at work about skin diseases in homeless shelters 2 days ago) Moving on...we tried to have sex but the condom broke when I put it on. I took another one out and it felt broken. I looked at the dates and it was 04 of 2006....expired.

*****I woke up and remembered this...and I thought...how odd. Maybe I should throw away all my condoms? Hmmm..I'll check the dates first. I did...and 2 of them were 04-2006!!! I was like THANK YOU! So I threw them away. I'm really glad I had this dream and I'm also glad I paid close enough attention to get the message in it.
************

VERY WEIRD....bad omen??

Mon, 22 Jan 2007 06:25:47 GMT

So I look in 2 cabinets over my fridge..haven't looked there in awhile...and there are some cinnabon boxes with old cinnabons in there FULL OF FRUIT FLIES....uhhh nasty. Anyway...I climbed up on the counter to get rid of them...and I noticed 2 books on top of my cabinets...you know how there is typically a 2" drop in the top of them?

Well...there were 2 books there that I have never seen before. Guess what the titles were.... "1ST TO DIE" and "INVASION OF PRIVACY". VERY weird!

I'm not sure what it means yet...I don't know if I'll read the books or get rid of them immediately.

Lonely and bored

Sun, 21 Jan 2007 04:47:36 GMT

Many times, I've found myself alone and bored at my house. This is one of those times. I've felt really emotional today. Almost in dispair....like there is no hope of ever finding a successful and fulfilling relationship with someone. I know that's a false and negative belief system....and one I rarely entertain...but today I did. I was on the phone with a friend and it kinda hit me out of nowhere. I started to get teary eyed...and I had to end the call. I didn't cry hard...I just teared up some for a few minutes as I thought about "missed opportunities" and how things "could have been" in certain situations. I don't have regrets about anything in my past...but I do get upset when I feel like an opportunity has been missed out on. Specifically, I'm referring to someone I dated in GA...5 hrs away...whom I met on eHarmony. It was awesome....then I realized that I had driven 2100 miles in 2 wks and it wasn't practical. We both came to that conclusion and ended it because of that. But we both knew if we lived closer, it may have worked. Things like that make me sad. It's the circumstances that made the situation impractical...not the 2 people IN the situation. So....that's "grrrr". I'm not "stuck" on her or anyting. I'm over it....I'm just beginning to become sad as I haven't seen too many qualified people to date lately or in a LONG time.

Dreams last night

Wed, 17 Jan 2007 21:43:51 GMT

Wow, I had some fun ones:

1. Borrowed a police car but I was out of uniform so another coworker (cop) saw me and flipped out...yelling that I should always be in uniform in a patrol car even if it IS undercover. I then found myself driving against the flow of traffic and a Sheriff was going the right way to apprehend me. They didn't know I was one of them. I swerved violently and skidded across 4 lanes of oncoming traffic until I was facing the right way. I then continued and the Sheriff passed me...to catch up to several 10-39 (lights/sirens on) police cars. I caught up to them maybe half a mile ahead and the road was blocked off. All 4 lanes of traffic had stopped. There was a black overturned van to the left of the highway with a few younger boys hanging around it (17-18yrs). They were wearing all black sweatsuits and hats. The police cars were set up with shotguns and pistols drawn. I drove my undercover car around some bushes and parked there as I wasn't wearing a vest nor did I have a gun with me. I just watched from behind the bushes. Shots fired....not many. Just enough to wound the boys because they would not give up their weapons. Then...the van was closer to me. There was a female that said she had "done it this time". She was being taken into custody by the police at this time. She looked back at the van and shouted to the kids (who were locked IN the van at this time)..."I've cursed you with your SOULS this time! I KNOW the secret...I've done it this time!". Everyone thought it was a joke. The boys came out of the back of the van and they had worms/snakes crawling under their skin...made of a white energy. It was very odd...and they were saying "she did it..she did it..holy shit!". They were more amazed...but I was more scared because I was like WTF IS THAT??? WTF IS THAT???. It was crazy. She had somehow manifested energetic parasite snakes to infect people...starting with her friends. I got out of there so they didn't get me. Still....very very odd.

2. I met an 18 year old with blonde hair...dirty blonde actually. Strangely, although I don't go to bars...I met her there. I was speaking with her and we were having a lovely conversation. Her age, at first, scared me, yet I knew it made no difference this time. I was about to ask her if she smoked but half a second before I could ask, she states: "I don't smoke or drink either". I said "ha...I was about to ask you that". She just smiled as if she knew. I was on a lunch break of some sort...and I went to work out...when I returned, I met up with her again...and we spoke further. I told her I had to run by my house and that I would call her.

I got on the computer and she was on there. BUT...every time I was typing a sentence towards her, the computer keys kept relocating! This caused me to mistype a lot of things and become very angry. I had to go back and edit all my mistakes for each small line of text. Eventually we communicated...and we were hanging out again. I know we had sex at some point but I don't remember the specific event (grr)...that's ok. She showed me a picture she had taken of us lying in the backseat of a large luxury car...with my shirt off...a pic of my abs...and her chest (bra still on..and her smiling at the cell phone cam. My eyes were closed. Later in the dream, I wondered about the pic because I had no memory of it or the sexual encounter. I saw the picture again, but this time my eyes were OPEN! I was perplexed by this as I knew they were closed the first time...and pictures are not supposed to change.

We were hanging out...and she touched my back and looked into my eyes. It was electric. There was so much energy there...such a strong connection. Time, age,....nothing mattered anymore. We were definitely in the "now". I leaned forward to kiss her, but she stopped me. She said "You're beginning to catch a cold". I was confused...I breathed in through my nose and said "not that I know of?" and there was an ever so slight sniffle but not as if I were sick...maybe just from cold air. She said "don't you normally show concern and not transmit colds to other people?" or something like that. I was SHOCKED. I said "I'm really not sick". She didn't seem too convinced. My feelings were hurt. At that moment, I didn't care if I caught a cold from her...it just didn't matter to me. She wasn't angry, but she definitely wasn't joking either. Very odd....I was definitely hurt emotionally from that response...as I felt so rejected from something that I didn't perceive to be a big deal...or an issue at all.

"We are timeless"

Wed, 17 Jan 2007 08:00:30 GMT

I sighed a sudden sigh of relief, before there was relief.
I gasped for air, before there was air.
I closed my eyes, before there were eyes.
I wished it all away, before there were wishes.

The pain of losing awareness struck me like a train
Consciousness slipping away, I'll never be the same
Condensed into something so small and compressed
I trusted my judgement, but how was this best?

Expansion, compression, flashing lights all around me
Feeling choked as if it were the end...surely
So afraid, constricted, all my friends were gone
Was all this pain for what I waited so long?

Amnesia, memories fading, where did I come from? where am I going?
Distraction, holding on, how can I survive without knowing?
It's over now, I'm stuck, I'm trapped, it's too late.
No turning back, what did I do to deserve this fate?

A memory arises one last time before the final entrance.
Yet, it was summed up best in a single sentence.
At that moment I knew the physical wasn't so bad.
And I heard "We are timeless" ...and I wasn't so sad.

Enlightenment

Wed, 17 Jan 2007 05:35:53 GMT

What is enlightenment? What does it mean? For thousands of years, people have sought the answer to these questions. Over that time frame, the answer has not changed. The answer is specific to the person who is inquiring, but in most cases, there is a summary that the general public can understand as well. ;-)

Enlightenment is the experience of "no mind" and "all minds" at the same time. It is the state of awareness where you would be just as content with your life if you knew you had 3 seconds to live. It is the state of awareness where you feel the wind blow through the trees...and you close your eyes...and you feel it blow through you...and as it does, you feel yourself blowing through the trees and then through and around the body you have chosen to focus your awareness within for this physical life. There is no longer a separation between you and other things...for there are no "things". There is only "one".

If you truly allow yourself to relax and give up your sense of self, you can experience these sensations and this level of awareness. I'm not asking you to give up complete sense of self because that can be frightening, I know. Do not be afraid. Just...for a moment at first...relax and let yourself go. Notice the draft in the room; notice the lighting and how it fluctuates around you; notice your clothes and how they hang upon your physical body; notice the weight of your body sinking into the chair in which you sit. Now, notice...as the chair...a person sitting on you; the light...as you shine upon things; the draft as you float through the room; the floor as you feel the pressure of the furniture and feet upon you and above you. Be all of these things and allow your awareness not to SHIFT to these things, but merely to spread out until it encompasses all of them. You can start with the room you are in. Eventually, you can expand to continents, the planet, and beyond.

As you progress, you will begin receiving large amounts of information. Your level of understanding of all people and all things will be greatly enhanced, for you will no longer be separate from them...you will recognize that you ARE them. How could you not have an understanding of yourself if you observed such without fear? It is quite easy for you now. You feel and observe all things from all perspectives. You speak to someone who is upset as you become upset being spoken to by yourself as you watch yourself through their eyes. You look into the eyes of a person in a hospital bed, and you feel yourself staring back from that same bed...the awareness of your physical body slipping away until the life you now know is no longer tangible. But...you don't care. You can't care, because there is nothing to care about. There only "is" and that cannot be good nor bad. This is enlightenment...and welcome to it.

It's been awhile...but I'm back

Sun, 07 Jan 2007 05:14:58 GMT

To the left to the left....everything you own in a box to the left. Haha....Beyonce is funny. (just heard that song). It made me think about how I underestimated the importance of people I've dated in the past...and how I was so easily replaced when the relationship ended. I don't normally listen to R&B...but in my neverending quest to expand my awareness, I would be foolish to ignore any type of music until I was certain I had nothing to learn from it. Anyway...good song.

On another note...it's been awhile since I've posted here. Life is going well. I have many women that I'm talking to. It seems as if I get tons of phone calls from different ones every day....almost like I have unlimited options to date whomever I choose. This is the first time I've felt like I've had so many options. I think a lot of it has to do with mindset. For the longest time, I decided I wanted to settle down and find someone special to be with "forever and ever"....not THE ONE...but someone special who I could grow and progress in life with.

Will I find that person? Of course....however, I am prepared to go through other short-term learning experiences (if necessary) to further my mental and emotional development to better prepare me to enter into a deeper and more meaningful long-term relationship and partnership for life.

I'm shifting back into a learning mode in life where I'm striving to see the true meaning and lessons in all situations. I just took 8 days off work (have 6 left til I go back)....and I'm taking this time to really clear my mind, do some reading....and writing, and clear some mental and emotional blockages (as well as clean my chakras and energy systems). I need to spend some time visiting with my guides and make sure I'm on track to complete the lessons I came here to complete. I've been stalling lately. I've also been stalling about getting back to work and seeing clients again for readings and healing. I need to get back into it. It comes so easily...there is no excuse not to do it. But...I have to do it without fear of being overwhelmed. I have to do it and know that I can be successful at it. There are issues here that must be cleared. Now is the time. It shall be done. Wish me success.

Knowing too much? No more feeling?

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 16:54:01 GMT

For the past few years...okay maybe 7 or so, every time I've begun a relationship, I wonder how long it will last and what I'm supposed to learn. Well as soon as I wonder, I get an answer. I guess that's one of the great things about being intuitive. OR IS IT? Imagine every relationship you get into: you get excited, you wonder what's going to happen, THEN you hear "4 months 3 days, lesson is to learn how to feel secure with yourself even when others appear to be disinterested"....or something like that. Well...that's what I'm dealing with. I hear/see that information (and sets of information) whenever I wonder about it. BAM...there it is. No delay. By sets, I refer to possible and probable futures. So I'll see that 4mo 3 day one, the 11 year 2 month one, the 3 week one, etc...and different exit strategies for each time frame (ie: cheating, argument, death). Nothing is set in stone and no one can see past choices. However, I can see the probability of these scenarios and have an idea of what will happen based on what decisions I make. I can view the lines and patterns of occurrences and trace them to have an understanding.

A part of me wants to hinder this because when I know that, it's harder to be emotional. How can you go into a relationship where you see the end (and reason for ending) and say "baby, I love you too...we're gonna be together for ever and ever". It would be a blatant lie and horrible misdirection at best. However, if you don't "play the game" so to speak...and don't let yourself feel, then you miss out on part of the relationship. So I've been pretending like I haven't seen this information...and somewhere along the line, I usually am able to let myself believe that it actually WILL work out. I can then begin to have feelings with only a MILD fear of loss. (even though I know it's going to happen) I guess I've become good at tricking myself.

On the other hand, if I hinder my intuition, how will that affect my ability to obtain information for family, friends, and paying clients? It probably would. Also it would probably affect my ability to gain valuable insight about my own life and get cool information like what people are thinking and feeling. Sometimes that's entertaining.

I guess once your eyes are open, they're open. If they're closed they're closed. Squinting would only make both sides of this fence blurry. Part of being real is being consistent. This is hard, but I guess my ability to cope will improve over time. 7ish years and counting.

Breaking the pattern...resistance? huh? ;-)

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 16:36:55 GMT

I, like most people, often ask for things that I desire. Most (okay SOME) of the time, I try to ask for things that will benefit me...things that I need more than what I want. When seeking out relationships, I do my best to "ask" for partners that can teach me valuable lessons. I also do my best to ask for specific traits like intelligence, attractiveness, being understanding, and having common sense. It's funny though because I noticed that I've repeated the same relationship 3 times in a row...just with different people. This time I knew I had to break the cycle. I was not willing to partake in another relationship that was like the last 3. I was going to learn my lessons beforehand, so that the next one would be fulfilling.

Without typing for 3 days straight, I'll fast forward a little bit. I found myself in a dating relationship not too long ago where almost everything about the person was something I normally had ZERO tolerance for. She was a stripper, she drank too much, she was a smoker, she was into some shady stuff. When someone tells their friends to "keep your mouth shut" whenever I'm around and tells them I work in law enforcement as a disclaimer...you begin to figure out that this person is shady. Pretty obvious.

Anyway, a theme from the last few relationships has been one of criticism. Looking back, I found that I sought out partners (subsoncsiously) that I thought could be "fixed". I had a desire to help/save people and always have. Well unfortunately it manifested in my personal relationships as well. People would ask me for help with a workout or diet plan and when I would provide it, they would ask me to help them stay motivated. Well this scenario (all 3 times) harbored EXTREME resentment towards me and the labeling of me as a "critical bastard" by more than one of them. It's funny since they asked for it and I was merely upholding my end of the bargain. The partners saw it as me trying to control them and what they ate and what they did. So they became very hostile. What began as me helping them and them being thankful for the transformations they made with their bodies...became a battle to convince them that they were fine who they were, but that they could still improve. It was either me convincing them of that perspective or letting them have the perspective that I was an a$$hole. I wanted to believe it was the other one...haha.

By dating this stripper who represented things I would normally not approve of...it allowed me to accept people for who they are without passing any judgement. WHY could I be around her and not be critical? HOW? It's beyond me, but I had no desir whatsoever to say anything about the smoking or drinking or lifestyle. It just didn't matter. Maybe a part of me thought she was so far beyond being "saved" or "helped" that I just didn't care to try? I asked Source (aka God to some) whwat I was supposed to learn as our interaction began. The answer was: to accept people for who they are without being critical and to work on your ability to love unconditionally. My response: "SON OF A BITCH! I HATE THAT LESSON!" Haha...but then I thought well...ok...no better time to learn it than now. So I actually let myself develop feelings for this person. Talk about a scary concept! Feelings for someone that represents almost everything you despise! But what better way to cultivate unconditional acceptance? I knew this was preparing me for greater things that would follow.

After about 3 weeks, things had reached a peak where we both said we had feelings for each other and we had become quite close...almost inseparable. I was supposed to pick her up from work one day and she never called. In fact...I haven't heard from her since. It was just like that...it just ended. I came by her house a couple times, but she has no phone so I couldn't call. Odd, but I had learned my lessons so it was okay that it ended. I knew it wasn't realistic for me to be involved with her long-term because of my duty and my job...if I had found out anything too shady about her, it would have resulted in her going to jail. I mean, she was a stripper...the lifestyle isn't hard to figure out.

Moving on...I felt I was now ready for something more serious. I had cleared many of my issues regarding "fixing" people and changing them. A few days later...I began speaking with a match I had on eHarmony. YES I joined that site...so what? Haha...with 29 personality profiles it has to be decent. I began speaking quite a bit with this person online and then by phone. One conversation was 8 1/2 hours straight. So about a week later I found myself driving a few states away (about 5hrs) to visit this person.

I arrived and after we broke the ice, it was like a dream come true. The awesome connection we had on the phone was just as real if not more real in person. My only dilemma now is that I'm not sure I'm ready for this. I'm not sure I know what to do with someone so genuine and so sincere. Have I truly broken the pattern? Have I truly found someone with intelligence AND common sense? Is this what I've been longing for? Or is something still missing? I need more time to evaluate, yet living in my head will only prevent me from feeling. Hmmm...it's tough. So here I sit...in her house while she's at work...a few states away from home...typing about it. Haha!

Sympathetic emotional withdrawal...self-fulfilling prophecy

Sat, 11 Nov 2006 21:27:24 GMT

As you may infer from the title, the post will be geared towards emotional withdrawal and the analysis of this action in regard to the success or demise of a relationship. By sympathetic, I refer to its original meaning.

As I have evaluated my own personal relationships lately, I've come across some interesting conclusions in regard to the successes and failures of current and past relationships and how some of these "failures" may not have been as inevitable as they once seemed.

I'm referring to a specific tendency for one partner in a relationship to mirror the PERCEIVED emotional output of the other partner. I say perceived because we often ASSUME we know how the other person is feeling but rarely double check with a simple inquisition!

Lately I've found myself becoming insecure about entering deeper into a relationship that I've begun. Why? Because of less contact with the person lately. Consciously I know the reason: she has friends over from 10 hours away and they're staying for a few days. SUBconsciously my mind races to explain the situation with pre-programmed BS like: "she doesn't like you anymore" and "she's too busy for you" and "she's lost interest". Consciously I laugh at these silly explanations as I know they are FALSE. It becomes an emotional struggle to dissolve these false belief systems and get back to neutrality and understanding of this very simple scenario.

Now, in a case like this, it is obvious to me that these insecurities are solely based on my own internal reflections and are neither a reflection of her feelings or desires. Given that, I will choose to quiet my mind and see past my subconscious mind's programming and will not allow it to upset me. Is it easy? Ha! Hardly! But...I'm doing it.

Now we can discuss the flipside. What if I didn't bother to think logically and realize that I was acting on assumption rather than reason? What would I do? I would form a sympathetic emotional response to a perceived neglect on my partner's part as a defense mechanism to protect myself. I think this is a MUCH larger issue than people realize...if they realize this is an issue at all!

I've seen many relationships dissolve from these perceived notions of neglect and disinterest. When partner A perceives partner B as being distant/disinterested, partner A withdraws attention to protect him/herself from being hurt. Then when partner B sees this, they perceive partner A as being disinterested and they withdraw attention as well! A viscious cycle! Where is the communication here?! Could it be possible that partner B was having some hard times with OTHER issues and needed MORE attention from partner A to resolve them? Perhaps...or maybe it was something else. However...none of this was discussed and a perfectly salvageable relationship was thrown away for absolutely no reason.

So the fear of losing the relationship and losing the partner becomes a reality because the person changed his/her actions based on something they assumed. They created a self-fulfilling prophecy of relationship failure.

My purpose of this post was to bring this all-too-common scenario into the light for people to notice in case they haven't. This way, perhaps people can pay attention to their subconscious mind and respond to situations based on logic rather than react to situations based on presumption and lack of communication. I hope these realizations are as beneficial to those who read this as they are to me.

Escaping reality..emotions out of style?

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 15:09:36 GMT

So the more and more I look around me, I constantly find distractions. I'm not saying I'm completely distracted by these things...it's more of a frustration with noticing most people having this issue, especially in America.

People in general seem to be focusing too much on TV, video games, the media, what famous people are doing, and addictions and simple pleasures. If they/we continue to focus on these external distractions, how can we ever focus on the inside? How can we ever deal with our emotional issues and resolve them? I guess that's the point.

People constantly look for external input to take them away from what's on the inside because it is easier that way. If we fill our lives with tons of input to focus on, we never have to feel. It's easier that way, but we've become an emotionally dead society. How many people can you honestly say are 100% comfortable facing their innermost problems, weaknesses, desires with no hesitation? I thought so. Not many. Not that I think everyone should be perfect. However, people should work harder and do better at facing their issues rather than pushing them deeper and deeper into their subconscious.

I long for a time when people can speak their mind and share how they think/feel with others without the fear of judgement and criticism. I fear this time may only be getting farther and farther away. If we start these habits of distraction and suppression of emotion at such an early age (teens/twenties)...imagine how much of an emotional wreck we're going to be when we're 40ish? There's no wonder so many people are uptight, critical, and depressed as they reach middle-age! They never felt anything when they were younger! Every single issue/problem they've ever had in their lives has been hidden away inside to eat away at them for eternity. That's why.

"My depression is genetic" "My obesity is genetic"....RIGHT!? No...it's because you never lived your life! It's because you lived in the comfort zone where it was safe...where everything was predictable...and where feelings were something you wrap up and save for later. Yes, I'm on a rant, but seriously...I wish something could be done about it. I've always thought of life as a sort of school where we come to learn things. It seems like no one is learning anymore...just cruising along aimlessly.

I'd be interested to hear some comments on this and see if others share my opinions or disagree.

First Entry

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 14:42:00 GMT

I remember there used to be a site called open diary, but it got taken down and everything everyone had on there was lost. I hope this doesn't happen on this site. I'd hate to lose everything.

On that note...I think this will be a really cool site and I look forward to posting here. Hopefully people will leave positive comments rather than talk a lot of junk like they did on the other site. If you see this...drop me a line and say hi! I'm always up for making new connections/friends.